Where Are They Now: Is There Life After Magic Super-Stardom?

By: psygno - November 22, 2003

A Series of Interviews With Former Magic Greats

The world of sports, even intellectual sports such as Magic, moves ever onward. Superstars rise and fall, but the game continues. What of those left in its wake? As the game moves, so does the attention of the fans. People fall through the cracks when the spotlight moves, and frequently their stories are worth telling. What follows is a series of encounters with five forgotten heroes. Be warned – These are not happy tales, for the cost of the loss of adoration is high.

In this first installment, travel with me to the Great Northwest of the United States – To Oregon, near the city of Portland, where I was scheduled to meet Magic Legend Gerrard Capashen, hero of the great plains, known across the tundra, throughout the brushlands, even in the remote City of Brass, and as far out as the Adarkar Wastes. Indeed, this was a mighty hero of the game. The only question that remains: Where is he now?

Portland, OR – It took me nearly an hour of navigating the back roads on the outskirts of Portland to find the trailer park in which Gerry Washington, known to the Magic world as Gerrard Capashen, currently lives. A fairly unfriendly but small dog that came screeching out from under the pre-fab concrete steps up to the trailer’s rusty door greeted me. As the wild mongrel gnawed at my ankle, I knocked repeatedly on the windowpane. After a while, something or someone within the trailer stirred, and then bellowed forth toward the door. A stubby hand slid the thin curtain aside and a bleary-eyed face looked out.

“Psychotic Gnome, Mr. Washington,” I said, “MiseTings correspondent? We had a meeting today?”

“Oh. Yeah. Give me a minute here.”

I took a few minutes to try to deal with the dog. It was like he got stronger every time I tried to get rid of him, so I just gave up and decided I’d just buy a new pair of shoes. After a little while, the hulking form of Gerry Washington staggered forth from the trailer. He’d gained a few pounds, to say the least. He wore a wife-beater with appropriate stainwork and a pair of 1970s-style striped soccer shorts and he did so in such a way that caused me to lament my ability to see clearly. An aura of stale beer and cat shit followed him around. I was thankful that he wanted to sit at the wooden picnic table next to the concrete slab rather than inviting me in to the cramped and filthy hell that must have been his abode. He peeled what looked like an old lottery ticket off of his cheek and attempted to focus his eyes.

“So, Gerry. Er…Tell me about life after Magic.”

“They took it all away from me – Wizards did. They roped me in, they built me up, and they yanked the whole thing right out from under me, the ingrates! I’m gaw-dang union! They can’t do this to me!”

“It looks like they can, Gerry.”

“Dang foreigners, what it is. Dang Hasbro always cuttin’ corners, layin’ people off, hirin’ people who work for nothin’, and now they take good jobs away from real people and give ‘em to machines.”

“Gerry, you had a pretty long run, there. From Mirage on down through Invasion and onward. Some would say that your career was longer than most.”

“Yeah. Sure. I played the game longer than most. Thing is, I figured it would keep on going. I mean, I was hot, man. Wizards hooked me up pretty good. I had my own stretch skyship…I had my own crew, too. Called em the Irregulars. People thought they sucked, but they were loyal, and that’s more important. Everywhere I went, somebody was taking my picture. Before I screwed up and got married, I had cat woman booty all day and all night. Man, it was the life!

One would also expect that you’d amassed quite a fortune over that time. So, what happened? How did you go from the top of the heap to…Well, to a trailer park in Oregon?”

“Yeah, I made some money – 4 mil a year plus the endorsements – Gerrard’s Verdict, Gerrard’s Wisdom – Man, they wanted to put my name on everything, and every one’s a fat check. Sure can’t say I didn’t make no money. I’d be set, too, but…Lost half my money in the divorce, and the rest of it went to shit with all the dotcoms. At the time, I didn’t care all that much ‘cause I had a sweet job at Wizards, but then they gave us all the shaft. I swear somethin’ messed up is goin’ on over there.

“What do you mean?”

“Vinnie Barbassi (Volrath) comes over one night, right? He tells me how he and Tony Mascioni (Mishra) were puttin’ together this investment company and would I like to get in on the deal. I just lost half my dough when Miranda (Miranda Jones, AKA Mirri) left me, so I’m like yeah, I’ll take a piece of that action. The plan was to pump some cash into a list of dotcoms and get back 10 times the investment. It was a sure thing, they said. I could turn 17 million into 170 and be good to go forever. So we made the deal. No sooner than the ink was dry on my check, Vinnie and Tony told me that all the websites went belly-up and that all the money was gone. All of a sudden, Wizards fires everybody, and replaces them with all these robots. I tell you, man, somethin’ ain’t right over there in Renton.”

“What about the rumor that’s been going around about you spending all your money on beer and lottery tickets and getting fired from Wizards for attempted battery?”

“That’s a load of shit, man. I’m the Elvis of Magic, dagnabbit!”

“I see. Well, is there anything else you’d like to say to your fans?”

The enormous belch I got in reply to this seems to be an adequate close to this interview. I was chased off the lot by his dog, which evaded my attempt to run it over on my way back to civilization.

Next: To the city of Chicago to meet Vinnie Barbassi, known to the Magic world as “Volrath.”