An editorial by Reverend Bob the Junkie.

Magic’s popularity has been inarguably growing lately. As evidenced by the rising amount of scopable cleavage at recent pro-level tournaments, Magic: the Gathering is no longer a domain trodden solely by the unwashed masses. Ever so slowly, zit-farming young dorks are starting to shower and acquire girlfriends. In a fit of possessive feminine nature, those women are accompanying some of these formerly (used loosely) habitual hentai masturbators to their regular Friday game and becoming infected with things like the lingo and the drama, and in some cases even the rules, of Magic. The effect is that those girls are unconsciously starting to bring the game into what’s considered mainstream, because god forbid a hot (also used loosely) girl should do anything that isn’t considered ‘in’ somehow.

While there are some more obvious examples of the climb (descent?) into the limelight, like the Turkish champ who fought in vain for the title at worlds (oh, to have a vacation in the mountains of Turkey!), or the new and (supposedly) more aesthetic card face, or the ever-present memories of someone I never knew named Michelle Bush; nothing has been quite the harbinger of unchecked PMS as the most recent addition to VH1’s documentary lineup. Done in the style of Behind the Music, the new series is called Behind the Magic, and with an all-inclusive look at the private lives of the Legends of Magic, it aims for the interests of the same nosy bitches who keep the likes of Oprah and Jerry Springer on air.


An Excerpt from “Behind the Magic: Glissa Sunseeker”

Duct tape really does fix anything.

“Glissa was born to alcohol-saturated parents in a treetop trailer park in the southern part of Mirrodin’s main continent. A bright and bubbly young creature of the boonies, she spent most of her early childhood doing things like laughing, playing, making tin-foil airplanes, and not falling out of the treetrailer. Glissa’s early life wasn’t rich but it was adequate, and as luck would have it she was able to quickly grow into a strong young woman capable of bounding from treetrailer to treetrailer in the canopy. Unfortunately, her blessing of beautiful blossoming turned into a curse as she had to run away from her double branch duct-tape special to prevent her father from, “breakin’ her in nice an’ proper-like.”

McMishra’s. Don’t ask what’s on the BeastBurgers…

She decided to seek her fortune in the big city because, as she said to her future roommate, “hey, when’s the last time anyone rich & famous got that way by working at McMishra’s flipping beastburgers?” She moved in with a lonely gal named Akroma, and did temp work to keep a roof over her head. Glissa’s attempts at clerical and office work turned into disaster after disaster though, because she somehow managed to break every mechanical thing she touched. Eventually she landed a blue-collar job hauling scrap at a welding shop, and just barely in time to make the month’s rent. She thought things were finally starting to look up and celebrated her first paycheck with a huge bender. The very next day though, Glissa’s fortunes changed, and her morning hangover was just the opening twist in the spiral down to an almost certain self-destruction…”

The story goes on and climaxes with the now-infamous Mardi Gras pictures that have caused both Glissa and WotC many litigations and tribulations. Ratings be damned, if the scumbags at VH1 had any journalistic integrity at all, they wouldn’t be shamelessly showing off the pictures and causing more problems. I, however, have once again left the house this morning purposefully abandoning my integrity in a drawer with my scruples and clean underwear, so here’s the most scandalous picture I could steal from VH1’s show:

...at least they used protection.

With a smut-and-drama-ravenous new audience that is slowly but steadily growing at more than just the waistline, VH1 and their ilk are sure to feed the egos of the new female herd and grow fat off the milk of their ample wallets. Only time will tell if this is a good or bad thing for Magic as a whole, however. For every Behind the Magic estrogen-fest, maybe we can get an O’Reilly Magic Factor. For every episode of Dr. Phil’s Deck Clinic where he panders to some crying douche bag about “not letting artifact destruction stop her from playing Magic as a gay woman right now,” maybe we can get an episode of hard-hitting trade analysis from the likes of CNN Money or Fox’s Neil Cavuto. With the history of today’s media though, I doubt that’s anything more than wishful thinking, and I dread the day that the WB puts out their first Magic: the Gathering related brain-defiler.

Fear them, for they are Yu-Gi-Oh converts!

For the insight-impaired, I leave you with a final hint about the true nature of this month’s Call to Arms: Until next time, may you also send me a free box of Mirrodin.

Nathan “Reverend Bob the Junkie” Woodall
(bobthejunky@NOSPAMhotmail.com)

Special thanks to Basilisk for impromptu photochoppery collaboration, patience, lessons, and pro-bono work.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

An editorial by Reverend Bob the Junkie.

Magic’s popularity has been inarguably growing lately. As evidenced by the rising amount of scopable cleavage at recent pro-level tournaments, Magic: the Gathering is no longer a domain trodden solely by the unwashed masses. Ever so slowly, zit-farming young dorks are starting to shower and acquire girlfriends. In a fit of possessive feminine nature, those women are accompanying some of these formerly (used loosely) habitual hentai masturbators to their regular Friday game and becoming infected with things like the lingo and the drama, and in some cases even the rules, of Magic. The effect is that those girls are unconsciously starting to bring the game into what’s considered mainstream, because god forbid a hot (also used loosely) girl should do anything that isn’t considered ‘in’ somehow.

While there are some more obvious examples of the climb (descent?) into the limelight, like the Turkish champ who fought in vain for the title at worlds (oh, to have a vacation in the mountains of Turkey!), or the new and (supposedly) more aesthetic card face, or the ever-present memories of someone I never knew named Michelle Bush; nothing has been quite the harbinger of unchecked PMS as the most recent addition to VH1’s documentary lineup. Done in the style of Behind the Music, the new series is called Behind the Magic, and with an all-inclusive look at the private lives of the Legends of Magic, it aims for the interests of the same nosy bitches who keep the likes of Oprah and Jerry Springer on air.


An Excerpt from “Behind the Magic: Glissa Sunseeker”

Duct tape really does fix anything.

“Glissa was born to alcohol-saturated parents in a treetop trailer park in the southern part of Mirrodin’s main continent. A bright and bubbly young creature of the boonies, she spent most of her early childhood doing things like laughing, playing, making tin-foil airplanes, and not falling out of the treetrailer. Glissa’s early life wasn’t rich but it was adequate, and as luck would have it she was able to quickly grow into a strong young woman capable of bounding from treetrailer to treetrailer in the canopy. Unfortunately, her blessing of beautiful blossoming turned into a curse as she had to run away from her double branch duct-tape special to prevent her father from, “breakin’ her in nice an’ proper-like.”

McMishra’s. Don’t ask what’s on the BeastBurgers…

She decided to seek her fortune in the big city because, as she said to her future roommate, “hey, when’s the last time anyone rich & famous got that way by working at McMishra’s flipping beastburgers?” She moved in with a lonely gal named Akroma, and did temp work to keep a roof over her head. Glissa’s attempts at clerical and office work turned into disaster after disaster though, because she somehow managed to break every mechanical thing she touched. Eventually she landed a blue-collar job hauling scrap at a welding shop, and just barely in time to make the month’s rent. She thought things were finally starting to look up and celebrated her first paycheck with a huge bender. The very next day though, Glissa’s fortunes changed, and her morning hangover was just the opening twist in the spiral down to an almost certain self-destruction…”

The story goes on and climaxes with the now-infamous Mardi Gras pictures that have caused both Glissa and WotC many litigations and tribulations. Ratings be damned, if the scumbags at VH1 had any journalistic integrity at all, they wouldn’t be shamelessly showing off the pictures and causing more problems. I, however, have once again left the house this morning purposefully abandoning my integrity in a drawer with my scruples and clean underwear, so here’s the most scandalous picture I could steal from VH1’s show:

...at least they used protection.

With a smut-and-drama-ravenous new audience that is slowly but steadily growing at more than just the waistline, VH1 and their ilk are sure to feed the egos of the new female herd and grow fat off the milk of their ample wallets. Only time will tell if this is a good or bad thing for Magic as a whole, however. For every Behind the Magic estrogen-fest, maybe we can get an O’Reilly Magic Factor. For every episode of Dr. Phil’s Deck Clinic where he panders to some crying douche bag about “not letting artifact destruction stop her from playing Magic as a gay woman right now,” maybe we can get an episode of hard-hitting trade analysis from the likes of CNN Money or Fox’s Neil Cavuto. With the history of today’s media though, I doubt that’s anything more than wishful thinking, and I dread the day that the WB puts out their first Magic: the Gathering related brain-defiler.

Fear them, for they are Yu-Gi-Oh converts!

For the insight-impaired, I leave you with a final hint about the true nature of this month’s Call to Arms: Until next time, may you also send me a free box of Mirrodin.

Nathan “Reverend Bob the Junkie” Woodall
(bobthejunky@NOSPAMhotmail.com)

Special thanks to Basilisk for impromptu photochoppery collaboration, patience, lessons, and pro-bono work.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!