First, some short answers and clarifications:

Phage the Untouchable is confusing a lot of people, probably because of the sentence "when Phage the Untouchable comes into play, if you didn't play it from your hand, you lose the game." Since I can't think of any way to get cards into play other than "playing them from your hand," then I guess you can pretty much ignore that sentence. It's just some crazy rules mumbo jumbo.

To help with the complicated issue of protection, you should simply memorize the acronym D-E-B-T. I really wish I knew what it stood for, though.

Can you believe we're coming upon Eighth Edition already? I wonder what surprises they'll throw at us this time? I just hope they don't stop printing Stream of Life.

Summon creature cards are NOT spells. Not often, anyway.

Trampling, as far as I can tell, occurs when the strength of an attacking creature(s) is better than the armor of a defending creature. Unless the attacking creature is enchanted, everything should be fine. But if it is, then the rest of the damage "probably spills over" onto the player and sometimes the rest of his creatures.

Am I the only one who thinks Akroma is fine? Yow-ee.

Confidential to Ryan F: I think those sleeves I sold you were defective. Do not, under any circumstances, play with them. But I do want them back.

Now onto the questions!

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

My opponent has a Mirari in play, and I’m casting a spell. Can he pay (3) and use the artifact’s ability to copy my Duress?

Doug Mancusi, Tomahawk, NJ

A. Thanks for writing, Doug! As for your question, I still haven’t learned all the new rares yet, but it sounds like you know what you're talking about. So I'll go ahead and say “yes". Somebody might want to look up that card and get back to me.

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

My friend says that there's a sixth color, Purple. My question is, can I attack with a tapped Serra Angel?

Robert Pinchon, Omaha, NE

A. Oh, Bobby. Where to start? That rumor about Purple is probably older than you are, and so is your idiotic question. Grow some brains first, then we'll talk, chump.

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

I was playing in a recent FNM tournament and I think my opponent pulled a fast one on me. We shuffled our decks, and then he shuffled my deck, so we started playing. First thing he does is go forest, Llanowar Elf, except it was all in Italian. It really looked weird, but I didn't want to say anything to a judge because I'm pretty new to the game and I didn't want to be embarrassed. Then on his fourth turn, when he still hadn't drawn any more land, he threw a Coke bottle at me! Then he shot me. Help?

Jimmy Wauker, Detroit, MI

A. Jimmy, whenever your opponent does anything that increases his chances of winning, please call a judge. I can't stress this enough. In this case, for an infraction of this magnitude, I would have given your opponent at least a match loss and I also would have recommended a suspension. Touching another player's deck, much less shuffling it, is a serious blunder and I hope other players out there aren't getting suckered like you did. Cheaters really give the game a bad name; so let's nip this problem in the bud before it gets out of hand!

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

Help me settle a bet with a buddy of mine: does Ihsan's Shade (5/5, protection from white) die to a Wrath of God?

Elvis Rodriguez, Cyberspace

A. Remember that acronym DEBT? It probably comes in handy in situations like these. Also, remember that gambling is a Sin, so said the Lord Jesus Christ who Died for our Salvation. Ditto abortion, sex, and music. Come to think of it, the Good Book prohibits "magic" too, but I tend to only accept the parts that suit my own hypocritical dogma. Just say no, kids! Remember, God would own and carry a concealed sawed-off shotgun on public streets. It's in the Constitution.

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

What's a state-based effect, fool?

Bosco Baracus, the Los Angeles underground

A. Like I'd know?

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

My opponent Andy "Ferris" Müeller has three tapped Lavaborn Muses in play, is tapped out otherwise, and is at a whopping 21 life. I have two cards in hand, both of which cycle for (B), and Words of Worship, two swamps and two plains in play. I also have a Graveborn Muse, eight 2/2 Zombie tokens in play, and a Nantuko Husk. I am at two life and it is the beginning of my turn. Can I survive this turn and still defeat Andy?

Mork Lilygatorade, Rin Tin Tin, WA

A. You sure can, Mork! At the beginning of your upkeep, Mork, triggered abilities go on the stack, beginning with the active player. Your Graveborn Muse's ability goes on the stack first, and then your opponent's three Lavaborn Muse abilities.

When you receive priority, cycle a card for (B), then when its draw ability goes on the stack, tap a plains and activate Words of Worship. You can let this resolve (you'll be at 7 life) and then repeat the process, again tapping a swamp and a plains. Now you are at 12 life with no cards in your hand. Let all three Lavaborn Muse abilities resolve, and take 9. Ouch! You are now at 3 life.

However, your Graveborn Muse's ability is still threatening to kill you (you'll lose 10 life). Fortunately, since the ability counts the number of Zombies in play upon resolution, you can start getting rid of some Zombies. Sacrifice all eight of your Zombie tokens to the Nantuko Husk, making him an 18/18 monstrosity. You're now down to 2 Zombies in play, meaning that when the Muse's ability resolves, you'll only lose 2 life, leaving you at a precarious 1 life but still very much alive. Now attack your defenseless opponent with both creatures for the necessary 21 damage and the win. Congratulations!

Nah, I'm just fucking with you. You lose, bitch!

Well, that's all for this session. Keep sending in those questions, because it's getting harder and harder to make this shit up. C'mon, I know you've all got the Magic rules chills, and I've got just the hot, long, hard beefy injection for it! Magic rules answers! Until next time, "the Doctor is out, yo."

Dr. Rules, M.D. is not a board certified internist, general practitioner, or licensed doctor of any kind, though he does play one on TV and in his private practice. He has an Associate’s Degree in massage and aromatherapy from the University of Phoenix Online. A top player since the late days of The Dark until the early days of Fallen Empires, his accomplishments in the game are plentiful, including winning half a box of Ice Age this one time, seriously. He even attended the first ever Pro Tour, making over $200 in hot dog sales.

Dr. Rules, M.D.'s latest newsletter, "God, Guns, Gomorrah, and the Zionist Media Conspiracy" is available wherever fine literature is left on windshields and in huge stacks in the subway.

Dr. Rules, M.D.’s status as a judge for the DCI is currently pending internal and criminal investigation.

Got a question or spam for Dr. Rules, M.D.? Send it to NOSPAMjudge@misetings.com. (The NOSPAM is part of the address; please do not delete it. We want your spam!)

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

First, some short answers and clarifications:

Phage the Untouchable is confusing a lot of people, probably because of the sentence "when Phage the Untouchable comes into play, if you didn't play it from your hand, you lose the game." Since I can't think of any way to get cards into play other than "playing them from your hand," then I guess you can pretty much ignore that sentence. It's just some crazy rules mumbo jumbo.

To help with the complicated issue of protection, you should simply memorize the acronym D-E-B-T. I really wish I knew what it stood for, though.

Can you believe we're coming upon Eighth Edition already? I wonder what surprises they'll throw at us this time? I just hope they don't stop printing Stream of Life.

Summon creature cards are NOT spells. Not often, anyway.

Trampling, as far as I can tell, occurs when the strength of an attacking creature(s) is better than the armor of a defending creature. Unless the attacking creature is enchanted, everything should be fine. But if it is, then the rest of the damage "probably spills over" onto the player and sometimes the rest of his creatures.

Am I the only one who thinks Akroma is fine? Yow-ee.

Confidential to Ryan F: I think those sleeves I sold you were defective. Do not, under any circumstances, play with them. But I do want them back.

Now onto the questions!

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

My opponent has a Mirari in play, and I’m casting a spell. Can he pay (3) and use the artifact’s ability to copy my Duress?

Doug Mancusi, Tomahawk, NJ

A. Thanks for writing, Doug! As for your question, I still haven’t learned all the new rares yet, but it sounds like you know what you're talking about. So I'll go ahead and say “yes". Somebody might want to look up that card and get back to me.

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

My friend says that there's a sixth color, Purple. My question is, can I attack with a tapped Serra Angel?

Robert Pinchon, Omaha, NE

A. Oh, Bobby. Where to start? That rumor about Purple is probably older than you are, and so is your idiotic question. Grow some brains first, then we'll talk, chump.

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

I was playing in a recent FNM tournament and I think my opponent pulled a fast one on me. We shuffled our decks, and then he shuffled my deck, so we started playing. First thing he does is go forest, Llanowar Elf, except it was all in Italian. It really looked weird, but I didn't want to say anything to a judge because I'm pretty new to the game and I didn't want to be embarrassed. Then on his fourth turn, when he still hadn't drawn any more land, he threw a Coke bottle at me! Then he shot me. Help?

Jimmy Wauker, Detroit, MI

A. Jimmy, whenever your opponent does anything that increases his chances of winning, please call a judge. I can't stress this enough. In this case, for an infraction of this magnitude, I would have given your opponent at least a match loss and I also would have recommended a suspension. Touching another player's deck, much less shuffling it, is a serious blunder and I hope other players out there aren't getting suckered like you did. Cheaters really give the game a bad name; so let's nip this problem in the bud before it gets out of hand!

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

Help me settle a bet with a buddy of mine: does Ihsan's Shade (5/5, protection from white) die to a Wrath of God?

Elvis Rodriguez, Cyberspace

A. Remember that acronym DEBT? It probably comes in handy in situations like these. Also, remember that gambling is a Sin, so said the Lord Jesus Christ who Died for our Salvation. Ditto abortion, sex, and music. Come to think of it, the Good Book prohibits "magic" too, but I tend to only accept the parts that suit my own hypocritical dogma. Just say no, kids! Remember, God would own and carry a concealed sawed-off shotgun on public streets. It's in the Constitution.

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

What's a state-based effect, fool?

Bosco Baracus, the Los Angeles underground

A. Like I'd know?

Q. Dear Dr. Rules, M.D.

My opponent Andy "Ferris" Müeller has three tapped Lavaborn Muses in play, is tapped out otherwise, and is at a whopping 21 life. I have two cards in hand, both of which cycle for (B), and Words of Worship, two swamps and two plains in play. I also have a Graveborn Muse, eight 2/2 Zombie tokens in play, and a Nantuko Husk. I am at two life and it is the beginning of my turn. Can I survive this turn and still defeat Andy?

Mork Lilygatorade, Rin Tin Tin, WA

A. You sure can, Mork! At the beginning of your upkeep, Mork, triggered abilities go on the stack, beginning with the active player. Your Graveborn Muse's ability goes on the stack first, and then your opponent's three Lavaborn Muse abilities.

When you receive priority, cycle a card for (B), then when its draw ability goes on the stack, tap a plains and activate Words of Worship. You can let this resolve (you'll be at 7 life) and then repeat the process, again tapping a swamp and a plains. Now you are at 12 life with no cards in your hand. Let all three Lavaborn Muse abilities resolve, and take 9. Ouch! You are now at 3 life.

However, your Graveborn Muse's ability is still threatening to kill you (you'll lose 10 life). Fortunately, since the ability counts the number of Zombies in play upon resolution, you can start getting rid of some Zombies. Sacrifice all eight of your Zombie tokens to the Nantuko Husk, making him an 18/18 monstrosity. You're now down to 2 Zombies in play, meaning that when the Muse's ability resolves, you'll only lose 2 life, leaving you at a precarious 1 life but still very much alive. Now attack your defenseless opponent with both creatures for the necessary 21 damage and the win. Congratulations!

Nah, I'm just fucking with you. You lose, bitch!

Well, that's all for this session. Keep sending in those questions, because it's getting harder and harder to make this shit up. C'mon, I know you've all got the Magic rules chills, and I've got just the hot, long, hard beefy injection for it! Magic rules answers! Until next time, "the Doctor is out, yo."

Dr. Rules, M.D. is not a board certified internist, general practitioner, or licensed doctor of any kind, though he does play one on TV and in his private practice. He has an Associate’s Degree in massage and aromatherapy from the University of Phoenix Online. A top player since the late days of The Dark until the early days of Fallen Empires, his accomplishments in the game are plentiful, including winning half a box of Ice Age this one time, seriously. He even attended the first ever Pro Tour, making over $200 in hot dog sales.

Dr. Rules, M.D.'s latest newsletter, "God, Guns, Gomorrah, and the Zionist Media Conspiracy" is available wherever fine literature is left on windshields and in huge stacks in the subway.

Dr. Rules, M.D.’s status as a judge for the DCI is currently pending internal and criminal investigation.

Got a question or spam for Dr. Rules, M.D.? Send it to NOSPAMjudge@misetings.com. (The NOSPAM is part of the address; please do not delete it. We want your spam!)

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!