AP - Renton, WA -- Responding to the recent backlash from Magic players worldwide, Mark "Bling-Bling" Rosewater assured his many legions of mages across the globe that they have nothing to fear.

"Everything seems new at first!" said Rosewater, Speedo-clad and bathing in the Wizards of the Coast money bin. "I mean, on Roseanne, we had to deal with a new actress playing Becky, and everything worked out for the best on there!"

Rosewater then took a sip of his Long Island iced tea and gave a nostalgic sigh.

"I'm getting so much hate mail these days, and I don't know why! Just because I didn't realize that Phage only made players lose th game through combat damage... even though I actually designed the card..."

Rosewater, visibly upset at this point, calmed himself down by gently fondling the large silver dollar sign on his necklace and murmuring, "Check out this ice, yo."

"Look, I don't know why everybody's against the new designs anyway. We worked darn hard to fix 8th Edition, even though there was nothing wrong with it for starters. Many long hours went into the changes, and what do we get for our trouble? Criticism and hatred! We simply don't know why."

Randy Buehler then walked by, dressed only in a solid gold bathrobe with the words "Brought to You by Hasbro" etched in the back.

"What Magic players don't seem to realize is that we made these alterations FOR THEM. This blind kid in California told me he couldn't see the power and toughness, so we made the box bigger. This fellow from Oklahoma wrote us a letter, telling us how much he liked Battletech, so we made the new boxes look futuristic and "new-wave". This little Timmy kid from New York complained about how similar artifacts and lands looked, so we made artifacts look like white. We didn't figure it would matter, considering how nobody plays with either artifacts OR white nowadays. But, hey, we have to make bad cards, right?"

Worth Wollpert and Gary Wise, also bathing among the gold doubloons and $50 bills, erupted in laughter at this statement. Rosewater smirked and sipped his iced tea.

"I mean, Christ, guys, this is 2003! Do you really want brown cards? Brown is old and worn-out and tired. Silver is cutting-edge and exciting and flashy! We here at R&D know that the entire future of our game rests in foils, so why not make them look even cooler? We've already established that the average Magic player has the average intelligence and materialistic tendencies of a magpie, so why not give the public what they want? Criminy."

With that, Rosewater looked off into the sunny heavens, through the money bin's retractable roof, with an expression of vindictive contemplation on his face.

"They'll see," he said, stroking his chin with a diamond-ring-encrusted hand. "They'll ALL see."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

AP - Renton, WA -- Responding to the recent backlash from Magic players worldwide, Mark "Bling-Bling" Rosewater assured his many legions of mages across the globe that they have nothing to fear.

"Everything seems new at first!" said Rosewater, Speedo-clad and bathing in the Wizards of the Coast money bin. "I mean, on Roseanne, we had to deal with a new actress playing Becky, and everything worked out for the best on there!"

Rosewater then took a sip of his Long Island iced tea and gave a nostalgic sigh.

"I'm getting so much hate mail these days, and I don't know why! Just because I didn't realize that Phage only made players lose th game through combat damage... even though I actually designed the card..."

Rosewater, visibly upset at this point, calmed himself down by gently fondling the large silver dollar sign on his necklace and murmuring, "Check out this ice, yo."

"Look, I don't know why everybody's against the new designs anyway. We worked darn hard to fix 8th Edition, even though there was nothing wrong with it for starters. Many long hours went into the changes, and what do we get for our trouble? Criticism and hatred! We simply don't know why."

Randy Buehler then walked by, dressed only in a solid gold bathrobe with the words "Brought to You by Hasbro" etched in the back.

"What Magic players don't seem to realize is that we made these alterations FOR THEM. This blind kid in California told me he couldn't see the power and toughness, so we made the box bigger. This fellow from Oklahoma wrote us a letter, telling us how much he liked Battletech, so we made the new boxes look futuristic and "new-wave". This little Timmy kid from New York complained about how similar artifacts and lands looked, so we made artifacts look like white. We didn't figure it would matter, considering how nobody plays with either artifacts OR white nowadays. But, hey, we have to make bad cards, right?"

Worth Wollpert and Gary Wise, also bathing among the gold doubloons and $50 bills, erupted in laughter at this statement. Rosewater smirked and sipped his iced tea.

"I mean, Christ, guys, this is 2003! Do you really want brown cards? Brown is old and worn-out and tired. Silver is cutting-edge and exciting and flashy! We here at R&D know that the entire future of our game rests in foils, so why not make them look even cooler? We've already established that the average Magic player has the average intelligence and materialistic tendencies of a magpie, so why not give the public what they want? Criminy."

With that, Rosewater looked off into the sunny heavens, through the money bin's retractable roof, with an expression of vindictive contemplation on his face.

"They'll see," he said, stroking his chin with a diamond-ring-encrusted hand. "They'll ALL see."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!