Renton, WA – A mysterious sound first believed to be a tanker truck exploding has been identified as Jeff Donais reacting to the limits of his power. Mister Donais is the head of the DCI, the sanctioning body of tournament Magic. Donais reportedly put his fists through a concrete block after reading an article on StarCity penned by recently suspended player Kurtis Hahn.

Donais immediately summoned his minions and demanded the article be eradicated. He further ordered Kurtis Hahn be banned from ever writing about Magic ever again.

The minions then drew straws to determine who would inform him he didn’t have the authority to ban anyone from writing.

“I can’t ban him from writing?” asked an incredulous Donais. “Are you sure about that?”

Wizards of the Coast legal department quickly confirmed Donais had no power to suppress anyone’s First Amendment rights. Donais shook his head in disbelief.

“I was convinced we’d heard the last from that loudmouth. I forgot about casual play. Damn it all to hell.”

The DCI suspended Hahn after an assault on another player during a PTQ. He will eligible to play in sanctioned tournaments on October 30, 2006. In addition to his suspension, Hahn is banned from attending high-level sanctioned events during his suspension.

“If we didn’t take extra measures with Kurt, every scrub looking to make a name for himself would be hurling an empty at him. He’s an easy target. We felt we couldn’t take that chance. The violence stops here. I just wish I could shut that bastard up for good. Maybe I can get Alongi to denounce this piece of [Kurt Hahn’s article].”

Anthony Alongi had no official comment for this article. An aide close to Alongi alleges he danced a jig upon hearing a new member had been added to the world of multi-player Magic.

“He likes jigs,” confessed the aide, who wished to remain anonymous.

Prior to the assault and his subsequent suspension, Hahn was best known as the creator of Five-Color Magic. Five-Color is currently the most popular non-sanctioned format of Magic: The Gathering.

“Five-Color is the shiznit,” a random quipped at a recent FNM. He later had to be rescued by fireman when his deck toppled over on him.

In a related story, Joe “Mouth” Kambourakis recently announced through sources close to him that he has quit Magic entirely. No one cared. In spite of days of research by a dedicated staff, it is unknown what the hell “Mouth” was known for prior to his suspension.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Renton, WA – A mysterious sound first believed to be a tanker truck exploding has been identified as Jeff Donais reacting to the limits of his power. Mister Donais is the head of the DCI, the sanctioning body of tournament Magic. Donais reportedly put his fists through a concrete block after reading an article on StarCity penned by recently suspended player Kurtis Hahn.

Donais immediately summoned his minions and demanded the article be eradicated. He further ordered Kurtis Hahn be banned from ever writing about Magic ever again.

The minions then drew straws to determine who would inform him he didn’t have the authority to ban anyone from writing.

“I can’t ban him from writing?” asked an incredulous Donais. “Are you sure about that?”

Wizards of the Coast legal department quickly confirmed Donais had no power to suppress anyone’s First Amendment rights. Donais shook his head in disbelief.

“I was convinced we’d heard the last from that loudmouth. I forgot about casual play. Damn it all to hell.”

The DCI suspended Hahn after an assault on another player during a PTQ. He will eligible to play in sanctioned tournaments on October 30, 2006. In addition to his suspension, Hahn is banned from attending high-level sanctioned events during his suspension.

“If we didn’t take extra measures with Kurt, every scrub looking to make a name for himself would be hurling an empty at him. He’s an easy target. We felt we couldn’t take that chance. The violence stops here. I just wish I could shut that bastard up for good. Maybe I can get Alongi to denounce this piece of [Kurt Hahn’s article].”

Anthony Alongi had no official comment for this article. An aide close to Alongi alleges he danced a jig upon hearing a new member had been added to the world of multi-player Magic.

“He likes jigs,” confessed the aide, who wished to remain anonymous.

Prior to the assault and his subsequent suspension, Hahn was best known as the creator of Five-Color Magic. Five-Color is currently the most popular non-sanctioned format of Magic: The Gathering.

“Five-Color is the shiznit,” a random quipped at a recent FNM. He later had to be rescued by fireman when his deck toppled over on him.

In a related story, Joe “Mouth” Kambourakis recently announced through sources close to him that he has quit Magic entirely. No one cared. In spite of days of research by a dedicated staff, it is unknown what the hell “Mouth” was known for prior to his suspension.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!