Jonesboro, GA -- Roger Dorst, a young Pro-tour hopeful was found suffering from a severe case of shock this morning in his parent's basement. Authorities are claiming a Brainburst article is responsible for the young geek's condition, which is being described as stable (but smelly).

"When we got there, we were pretty sure this was just another caffeine overdose," said paramedic Rebecca Davis. "I mean, look at this place." Ms. Davis indicated with her hand the avalanche of empty soda cans carpeting the floor. "But he kept saying 'I was just looking for tech'. I have no idea what that means. Is that a porn thing?"

Investigators found Dorst was on the internet at the time of his collapse, reading a recent article by Magic writer Seth Burn. Burn's "Used Deck Salesman" column is a regular feature on the popular Magic site, Brainburst. Upon reading the article, investigators became concerned.

"We were suspicious right away. I mean, the article contained no information that would be useful to a budding Magic player. Hey, we're cops...we didn't know that was normal for a Magic article. But once we saw the content of this piece, we knew something was terribly wrong."

The article contains a number of predictions for the then upcoming mid-term elections in the United States. Mister Burn makes frequent use of political slang throughout the piece, and he attempts to make insights into the close races. He also tosses around a few figures for good measure. It looked deceptively like an article about Magic.

"It wasn't, dude! It wasn't about Magic at all! I was all the way down to 'Hawaii: Hirono (D)' before I realized he wasn't posting a decklist," cried an emotionally fragile Dorst. "I was just looking for tech."

Dorst then weeped into his hands for several minutes before continuing.

"I didn't do as well as I wanted at States this year. I thought I could go all rogue and still win, but it didn't work out, man. I needed tech, and I turned to Brainburst. God help me, I went looking for tech on the free portion of Brainburst."

Brainburst maintains a free site and a members only "premium" site with articles pertaining to Magic. There are no articles covering political elections on the premium site.

"He was talking about blowouts and key matchups. I thought 'wag' was the new 'mise'. I mean, 'pundit'? That sounds like a creature type, doesn't it? I started checking my rares to see how many I had. I've got a trial for Grand Prix: New Orleans coming up! I need help if I'm going to get those byes."

Roger claims he truly became aware something was amiss while reviewing Seth Burn's thoughts on the Arizona Gubernatorial race.

"I thought, 'Janet Napolitano? Wasn't she the lead singer for Concrete Blonde?' Then, I realized, I had wasted several minutes of my life, and God knows how many brain cells remembering this crap. None of this was important to me! I don't care who controls the Senate! I want to know what beats Tinker! I feel so violated." At that point, Roger Dorst crawled into a corner of his filthy room, curled up into a fetal position, and did not blink until paramedics arrived hours later.

Dorst has declared his intentions to file suit against Brainburst for breach of contract, deceptive advertising, and reckless endangerment for posting a political editorial where card-flopping shut-ins like himself were likely to read it. While many might say no real harm was done and Roger's problems are nothing a little sunlight and a girlfriend couldn't cure, the lawyers will have their day, it seems.

As for Seth Burn, the local police have turned over their investigation to the federal authorities. His whereabouts remain unknown as of press time.

"Hey, I don't know what all that stuff meant, but that much political content can't be good, right? This Burn character must be up to no good. Nobody gives a crap about the mid-terms. It must be some kind of code."

Brainburst owner Chedy Hampson could not be reached for comment.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Jonesboro, GA -- Roger Dorst, a young Pro-tour hopeful was found suffering from a severe case of shock this morning in his parent's basement. Authorities are claiming a Brainburst article is responsible for the young geek's condition, which is being described as stable (but smelly).

"When we got there, we were pretty sure this was just another caffeine overdose," said paramedic Rebecca Davis. "I mean, look at this place." Ms. Davis indicated with her hand the avalanche of empty soda cans carpeting the floor. "But he kept saying 'I was just looking for tech'. I have no idea what that means. Is that a porn thing?"

Investigators found Dorst was on the internet at the time of his collapse, reading a recent article by Magic writer Seth Burn. Burn's "Used Deck Salesman" column is a regular feature on the popular Magic site, Brainburst. Upon reading the article, investigators became concerned.

"We were suspicious right away. I mean, the article contained no information that would be useful to a budding Magic player. Hey, we're cops...we didn't know that was normal for a Magic article. But once we saw the content of this piece, we knew something was terribly wrong."

The article contains a number of predictions for the then upcoming mid-term elections in the United States. Mister Burn makes frequent use of political slang throughout the piece, and he attempts to make insights into the close races. He also tosses around a few figures for good measure. It looked deceptively like an article about Magic.

"It wasn't, dude! It wasn't about Magic at all! I was all the way down to 'Hawaii: Hirono (D)' before I realized he wasn't posting a decklist," cried an emotionally fragile Dorst. "I was just looking for tech."

Dorst then weeped into his hands for several minutes before continuing.

"I didn't do as well as I wanted at States this year. I thought I could go all rogue and still win, but it didn't work out, man. I needed tech, and I turned to Brainburst. God help me, I went looking for tech on the free portion of Brainburst."

Brainburst maintains a free site and a members only "premium" site with articles pertaining to Magic. There are no articles covering political elections on the premium site.

"He was talking about blowouts and key matchups. I thought 'wag' was the new 'mise'. I mean, 'pundit'? That sounds like a creature type, doesn't it? I started checking my rares to see how many I had. I've got a trial for Grand Prix: New Orleans coming up! I need help if I'm going to get those byes."

Roger claims he truly became aware something was amiss while reviewing Seth Burn's thoughts on the Arizona Gubernatorial race.

"I thought, 'Janet Napolitano? Wasn't she the lead singer for Concrete Blonde?' Then, I realized, I had wasted several minutes of my life, and God knows how many brain cells remembering this crap. None of this was important to me! I don't care who controls the Senate! I want to know what beats Tinker! I feel so violated." At that point, Roger Dorst crawled into a corner of his filthy room, curled up into a fetal position, and did not blink until paramedics arrived hours later.

Dorst has declared his intentions to file suit against Brainburst for breach of contract, deceptive advertising, and reckless endangerment for posting a political editorial where card-flopping shut-ins like himself were likely to read it. While many might say no real harm was done and Roger's problems are nothing a little sunlight and a girlfriend couldn't cure, the lawyers will have their day, it seems.

As for Seth Burn, the local police have turned over their investigation to the federal authorities. His whereabouts remain unknown as of press time.

"Hey, I don't know what all that stuff meant, but that much political content can't be good, right? This Burn character must be up to no good. Nobody gives a crap about the mid-terms. It must be some kind of code."

Brainburst owner Chedy Hampson could not be reached for comment.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!