Associated Press - In an unprecedented move, the popular strategy site Brainburst.com announced an exciting new service, Premium Membership, which will grant access to superior articles and deck databases to hardcore gamers who pay a subscription fee. The service is being heralded as an exciting new way for hardcore gamers to throw away their money and time as they live out their pathetic lives.

Under the terms of the service, members will be required to bend over and take it hard from the nearly bankrupt site in the form of a subscription fee, which can amount to less than $2.50 a month. Officials expressed confidence that the Premium service will find a welcome audience in the thousands of PTQ players with no friends, who will have no trouble diverting funds from their monthly porn and anti-depressant drug budgets to pay the Brainburst Premium fee. Analysts have pointed out that the fee should be nothing new to gamers, who have already been taken to Brown Town for years by Wizards of the Coast, who charge $3.29 for 15 pieces of worthless cardboard.

At a packed press conference, Brainburst editor Chedy explained the need to sodomize Magic players with the subscription fee. "With the significant downturn in revenue for the site, the opportunity to continue reimbursed feature articles from top Pros was becoming increasingly difficult," said Chedy. "Many of these Pros have to pay monthly rent or else they will be kicked out of their parents' basements, and the Premium fee will help the site to reward these top-notch Pros for their writing efforts with much-needed monetary compensation."

Added Chedy, "On behalf of Brainburst, I say to all PTQ players who want high-quality strategy: Bend over."

The new Premium service is already in full swing, with a PT Osaka report from Zvi Mowshowitz earning the Premium tag. Premium members will be able to enjoy similar strategy articles from established, well-respected Pros such as Sean McKeown, as well as articles from Mowshowitz, Scott Johns, Kai Budde, and the Brainburst editor himself. Already the subscription fee is being called a small price to pay for such high-quality articles, which regularly appear at least twice every three years.

"The expanded databases will give members access to an unprecedented quantity of Magic information, including decklists, playtest statistics, and tournament results," Chedy continued. "This should keep even the biggest Magic losers busy for a very long time, giving them something to do with their worthless lives in lieu of a significant other or a social life." As an added benefit, fee-paying members will no longer have to view irritating advertising for products that no normal person would ever possibly need, such as Web Cameras, Capital One credit cards, people-search stalker sites, and Magic singles.

But the benefits of Premium Membership do not stop there. In addition to the massive deck database, members will be treated to a new "search engine" technology completely exclusive to Brainburst. This exciting new technology will allow gamers to sort through thousands of decklists and articles based on subjects and keywords at the touch of a button, a novel new service that is being called well worth the fee. Major internet sites such as Yahoo, Google, and MiseTings have reported contacted Brainburst about acquiring this amazing new "search engine" technology, but for now the service remains exclusive to Premium members who have nothing better to do with their one life on earth than search through years of worthless decklists and tournament reports from randoms and semi-pros who are desperate for attention.

As the fledgling service gets underway, all eyes are on Brainburst to gauge the success of the new feature. "We at MiseTings have not yet ruled out adopting a similar fee-based service," said editor Mike Bregoli. "While our current strategy of switching servers every time the two-week free trial period expires has worked out well for us, users may indeed see MiseTings Premium in the future if the Brainburst system is a success." Bregoli later added that such a service would include such features as 'Bitching and Whining Archives' and 'The Best of Yer Shit.'

In any event, Brainburst Premium is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. The service already has one subscriber, friendless nobody and frequent MiseTings forum poster Sean Lane of Menomonie, WI. Regarding the requirement to take it hard from greedy and desperate Brainburst accountants, Lane said that he was "very happy" with the new service and "plans to take it for a long, long time."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Associated Press - In an unprecedented move, the popular strategy site Brainburst.com announced an exciting new service, Premium Membership, which will grant access to superior articles and deck databases to hardcore gamers who pay a subscription fee. The service is being heralded as an exciting new way for hardcore gamers to throw away their money and time as they live out their pathetic lives.

Under the terms of the service, members will be required to bend over and take it hard from the nearly bankrupt site in the form of a subscription fee, which can amount to less than $2.50 a month. Officials expressed confidence that the Premium service will find a welcome audience in the thousands of PTQ players with no friends, who will have no trouble diverting funds from their monthly porn and anti-depressant drug budgets to pay the Brainburst Premium fee. Analysts have pointed out that the fee should be nothing new to gamers, who have already been taken to Brown Town for years by Wizards of the Coast, who charge $3.29 for 15 pieces of worthless cardboard.

At a packed press conference, Brainburst editor Chedy explained the need to sodomize Magic players with the subscription fee. "With the significant downturn in revenue for the site, the opportunity to continue reimbursed feature articles from top Pros was becoming increasingly difficult," said Chedy. "Many of these Pros have to pay monthly rent or else they will be kicked out of their parents' basements, and the Premium fee will help the site to reward these top-notch Pros for their writing efforts with much-needed monetary compensation."

Added Chedy, "On behalf of Brainburst, I say to all PTQ players who want high-quality strategy: Bend over."

The new Premium service is already in full swing, with a PT Osaka report from Zvi Mowshowitz earning the Premium tag. Premium members will be able to enjoy similar strategy articles from established, well-respected Pros such as Sean McKeown, as well as articles from Mowshowitz, Scott Johns, Kai Budde, and the Brainburst editor himself. Already the subscription fee is being called a small price to pay for such high-quality articles, which regularly appear at least twice every three years.

"The expanded databases will give members access to an unprecedented quantity of Magic information, including decklists, playtest statistics, and tournament results," Chedy continued. "This should keep even the biggest Magic losers busy for a very long time, giving them something to do with their worthless lives in lieu of a significant other or a social life." As an added benefit, fee-paying members will no longer have to view irritating advertising for products that no normal person would ever possibly need, such as Web Cameras, Capital One credit cards, people-search stalker sites, and Magic singles.

But the benefits of Premium Membership do not stop there. In addition to the massive deck database, members will be treated to a new "search engine" technology completely exclusive to Brainburst. This exciting new technology will allow gamers to sort through thousands of decklists and articles based on subjects and keywords at the touch of a button, a novel new service that is being called well worth the fee. Major internet sites such as Yahoo, Google, and MiseTings have reported contacted Brainburst about acquiring this amazing new "search engine" technology, but for now the service remains exclusive to Premium members who have nothing better to do with their one life on earth than search through years of worthless decklists and tournament reports from randoms and semi-pros who are desperate for attention.

As the fledgling service gets underway, all eyes are on Brainburst to gauge the success of the new feature. "We at MiseTings have not yet ruled out adopting a similar fee-based service," said editor Mike Bregoli. "While our current strategy of switching servers every time the two-week free trial period expires has worked out well for us, users may indeed see MiseTings Premium in the future if the Brainburst system is a success." Bregoli later added that such a service would include such features as 'Bitching and Whining Archives' and 'The Best of Yer Shit.'

In any event, Brainburst Premium is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. The service already has one subscriber, friendless nobody and frequent MiseTings forum poster Sean Lane of Menomonie, WI. Regarding the requirement to take it hard from greedy and desperate Brainburst accountants, Lane said that he was "very happy" with the new service and "plans to take it for a long, long time."

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!