Reuters News Agency – The Pro Tour “Community” recently began kicking and screaming in earnest over the influx of internet postings from “random” players denouncing luminaries such as Bob Maher that have recently been prosecuted by the DCI.

“It’s not fair,” whined a “professional” that declined to be identified, perhaps because he was ashamed of the pouty look on his face. “We’ve worked very hard over the years to look down our noses at those who have yet to qualify. It takes a lot of thought to come up with just the right condescending remark at the right time, and a lot of preparation to organize ourselves into the current clique hierarchy you see at all high-level events. I can’t BELIEVE they’d let someone who’s not a Name Player post an opinion on the net. That spotlight belongs to us.”

“Look, most of us don’t fit very well into the rest of society, and we need to feel like there’s somewhere that we’re important. These “randoms” are taking away from our exposure and diminishing the obvious importance of our articles,” noted another “professional” who then went on to liken his work to that of several Pulitzer-Prize winning authors.

Operations are underway to establish criteria that must be met before a given player’s article can appear on a major website. Reportedly writers will be issued a license that signifies that they are not “random” players and that they are therefore qualified to reach complicated conclusions such as: falsifying tournament reports = cheating, and will be authorized to discuss in a public forum how such infarctions should be punished, all with the assurance that their opinion is the correct opinion because their resume boasts a number of credibility-granting Pro Tour Points.

Officials emphasize that such a license will almost certainly NOT be easy to obtain. “Our players take great pride in being good at an obscure game that most of Planet Earth has probably never even heard of, and are very reluctant to allow new members into their obviously cool inner circle,” noted Andy Heckt, Pro Tour Player Coordinator for Wizards of the Coast. “Winning at Magic clearly makes you much less of a dork than your average PTQ player,” he said.

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Reuters News Agency – The Pro Tour “Community” recently began kicking and screaming in earnest over the influx of internet postings from “random” players denouncing luminaries such as Bob Maher that have recently been prosecuted by the DCI.

“It’s not fair,” whined a “professional” that declined to be identified, perhaps because he was ashamed of the pouty look on his face. “We’ve worked very hard over the years to look down our noses at those who have yet to qualify. It takes a lot of thought to come up with just the right condescending remark at the right time, and a lot of preparation to organize ourselves into the current clique hierarchy you see at all high-level events. I can’t BELIEVE they’d let someone who’s not a Name Player post an opinion on the net. That spotlight belongs to us.”

“Look, most of us don’t fit very well into the rest of society, and we need to feel like there’s somewhere that we’re important. These “randoms” are taking away from our exposure and diminishing the obvious importance of our articles,” noted another “professional” who then went on to liken his work to that of several Pulitzer-Prize winning authors.

Operations are underway to establish criteria that must be met before a given player’s article can appear on a major website. Reportedly writers will be issued a license that signifies that they are not “random” players and that they are therefore qualified to reach complicated conclusions such as: falsifying tournament reports = cheating, and will be authorized to discuss in a public forum how such infarctions should be punished, all with the assurance that their opinion is the correct opinion because their resume boasts a number of credibility-granting Pro Tour Points.

Officials emphasize that such a license will almost certainly NOT be easy to obtain. “Our players take great pride in being good at an obscure game that most of Planet Earth has probably never even heard of, and are very reluctant to allow new members into their obviously cool inner circle,” noted Andy Heckt, Pro Tour Player Coordinator for Wizards of the Coast. “Winning at Magic clearly makes you much less of a dork than your average PTQ player,” he said.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!