Baghdad (AP) – It was a beautiful day in Baghdad – the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and outside, people were singing happily. But not for Abdul Akhmed, who sat inside his little clay shack, weeping quietly. “Why are Wizards such bastards,” he asked. He was not alone.

An international report released Thursday shows that millions of Iraqi children were forced to go without being able to play Magic: The Gathering Online as a result of recent server instability due to an upgrade of versions to 2.0.000.01. “Three whole days,” Abdul sobbed. “It was hell. I don’t know how those jerks at Wizards [of the Coast] can live with themselves. I mean, what am I supposed to do now? Go fight in the guerilla war against an immoral imperialist state incompetently occupying our country? Or I could do drugs instead! You hear me Mark Rosewater? I could be forced to do drugs!”

Without MTGO, children have been forced to take up other pasttimes, such as ostrich racing.

Abdul’s anger, and that of millions of his brethren, did not fall on deaf ears. Irene Khan, Secretary General of Amnesty International, made a plea to George W. Bush. In a prepared statement, Khan said, “The atrocities committed against the Iraqi children by the corrupt corporation known as Wizards of the Coast should not go unpunished. To allow server instability to bore the precious lives of our world’s children for 3, even up to 4 days, is beyond reproach. We are appalled at their actions, and demand the heads of at least 12 employees in a symbol of apology.”

This plea did little to console Akhmed, who has little chance of even hearing about it due to the complete lack of any type of electronic device with which to have the message communicated to him.

“Yes, of course,” Akhmed said, “it is difficult to go without power, water, and even often food. But MTGO would really help stem the boredom that threatens to kill us on a daily basis. The lack of things to do is the real problem here, not the hourly bombings, soldiers in the streets, or deaths of multiple loved ones. I can’t play Magic!” He then resumed crying uncontrollably.

Help is on its way, however. Bush has recently formed a committee to investigate any wrongdoings in the Hasbro Corporation, which owns Wizards. In a live statement, Bush said, “if there is any evidence of foul play, we will have them all put to the chair. Hell, even if there isn’t evidence, we might do it anyway. The country could sure use a spark show to distract them from how badly we’ve planned and executed this reconstruction.” The President then whistled, shook his head, and dazed off for a minute.

Meanwhile, Akhmed and his brothers, only two of which were not killed in guerilla fighting, are forced to deal with the sparse server instability. “I can only imagine what would happen if I had to go without Magic for a whole week,” he said. “I might be forced to wake up and realize that there are worse things going on outside my door than an inconvenient computer game glitch.”

Akhmed then sighed loudly and a tear fell down his face, mixing with the dried sweat and dust lingering there. It’s been a rough few days for the once boisterous child, and as recent evidence shows, there’s no hope in sight for the end of his torment.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!

Baghdad (AP) – It was a beautiful day in Baghdad – the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and outside, people were singing happily. But not for Abdul Akhmed, who sat inside his little clay shack, weeping quietly. “Why are Wizards such bastards,” he asked. He was not alone.

An international report released Thursday shows that millions of Iraqi children were forced to go without being able to play Magic: The Gathering Online as a result of recent server instability due to an upgrade of versions to 2.0.000.01. “Three whole days,” Abdul sobbed. “It was hell. I don’t know how those jerks at Wizards [of the Coast] can live with themselves. I mean, what am I supposed to do now? Go fight in the guerilla war against an immoral imperialist state incompetently occupying our country? Or I could do drugs instead! You hear me Mark Rosewater? I could be forced to do drugs!”

Without MTGO, children have been forced to take up other pasttimes, such as ostrich racing.

Abdul’s anger, and that of millions of his brethren, did not fall on deaf ears. Irene Khan, Secretary General of Amnesty International, made a plea to George W. Bush. In a prepared statement, Khan said, “The atrocities committed against the Iraqi children by the corrupt corporation known as Wizards of the Coast should not go unpunished. To allow server instability to bore the precious lives of our world’s children for 3, even up to 4 days, is beyond reproach. We are appalled at their actions, and demand the heads of at least 12 employees in a symbol of apology.”

This plea did little to console Akhmed, who has little chance of even hearing about it due to the complete lack of any type of electronic device with which to have the message communicated to him.

“Yes, of course,” Akhmed said, “it is difficult to go without power, water, and even often food. But MTGO would really help stem the boredom that threatens to kill us on a daily basis. The lack of things to do is the real problem here, not the hourly bombings, soldiers in the streets, or deaths of multiple loved ones. I can’t play Magic!” He then resumed crying uncontrollably.

Help is on its way, however. Bush has recently formed a committee to investigate any wrongdoings in the Hasbro Corporation, which owns Wizards. In a live statement, Bush said, “if there is any evidence of foul play, we will have them all put to the chair. Hell, even if there isn’t evidence, we might do it anyway. The country could sure use a spark show to distract them from how badly we’ve planned and executed this reconstruction.” The President then whistled, shook his head, and dazed off for a minute.

Meanwhile, Akhmed and his brothers, only two of which were not killed in guerilla fighting, are forced to deal with the sparse server instability. “I can only imagine what would happen if I had to go without Magic for a whole week,” he said. “I might be forced to wake up and realize that there are worse things going on outside my door than an inconvenient computer game glitch.”

Akhmed then sighed loudly and a tear fell down his face, mixing with the dried sweat and dust lingering there. It’s been a rough few days for the once boisterous child, and as recent evidence shows, there’s no hope in sight for the end of his torment.

Discuss this article in the Magic: the Gathering Forums!